The Solomon Factor

Price vs. Values: What Does Your Integrity Cost You?

I was trained in the school of “what goes around comes around” or, in the vernacular of the moment, “The Law of Attraction.” It‘s a philosophy that has always worked for me in my personal and professional life, and it is one that I share with my coaching clients, during keynotes and just about any other time I have the opportunity to be with people.

That said, this evening I was standing in the merchandise return line at my local Costco (I just love that store) when I overheard this conversation between a customer and the service representative behind the counter.

SR: So you’d like to return this 60” TV?
Customer: Yes
SR: Do you have your receipt?
C: No
SR: When did you buy it?
C: Three years ago.
SR: Three years ago? And why are returning it? Is there something wrong with it?
C: No: I want to trade up. I want the 67” TV.
SR: Our policy to return electronics is 90 days.
C: Well that wasn’t the policy when I bought it three years ago.
SR: Sir, this is absolutely the only time you will be able to make this kind of return? Is that understood?
C: Yes.
SR: What charge card would you like us to credit?

I stood there with my mouth open and my mind in rabble-rouser mode. This customer didn’t even have the manners to say “Thank You,” and the Costco employee was as pleasant as could be. Could I read the speech bubble over this employee’s head? No, because the one ranting over my head drowned out his.

The Great Debate

All this talk about happiness and passion and purpose got me to thinking about what would happen if we fought for our bigness with the same gusto that we argued for our smallness.

I mean what would our lives truly look like if we all reached that potential we’re always talking about? If we climbed that mountain, or wrote that poem, or started that business, or made that contribution, or dared to sit still for a moment with the only goal being not to accomplish one damn thing?

What would happen if we simply changed our attitude from what’s wrong with us to what’s right with us?

Would the world disintegrate if we saw joy in all things? If we focused on what we’d already done instead of what we haven’t? If the only thoughts we believed about ourselves were the ones about our strength, our resilience, our tenacity, our courage and our capacity for love?

I’ve been wondering what it would take, what changes we would need to make, in order to view our lives through the lens of personal greatness— not as an occasional exception but as a rock solid rule? What if we stopped believing everything we think: If we set our thought filter to allow only encouragement, love and support to seep through?

So I’m trying this experiment…. Anyone care to join me?

Life Off Balance, On Purpose

A few years back a client of mine gave me a copy of the book, “I Don't Know How She Does It” by Allison Pearson, the story of one woman's attempt to strike the impossible balance between career and family.

The problem was, I was too busy living the tale to read it and I resented my client's not realizing that she was putting just one more thing on my perpetual 'to do list'. I put the book on my nightstand pretending I might actually get to it, and stored it away after a decent amount of time.

Fast forward to this week when I went into overdrive trying to recover from a week's vacation with my two small children. (I had actually deluded myself into thinking that I'd feel relaxed at the end of it, so I needed to recuperate from the disappointment as well). A week away from my business had produced two weeks backlog of work, not to mention hundreds of unopened emails. What little relaxation I'd had was completely erased when I realized what it would take for me to handle it all.

I sat in my office trying to get myself centered and back in balance. The rush of adrenaline from the sheer overwhelm kept knocking me on my butt, and I grew exhausted just reading the long laundry list of things I needed to accomplish. Worst of all, I felt victimized by this list that I, myself, was responsible for writing.

When, I wondered, had my “get to's” turned into “have to's”? When had the desires and joys of my life turned into obligations and resentments? And how would I convert them back?

I'm not sure whether I had an epiphany or a breakdown but, regardless, I had a moment of clarity there on the floor of my office when I remembered that I was the one who had said “yes” to all of these things. This implied that I also had the choice to say “No”. Something had to give and I didn't want it to be my mental health, the well-being of my family or the prosperity of my business. What to do?

What I figured out is that I would need to learn to be off-balance on purpose. Since I couldn't possibly do everything I thought I needed to without relinquishing everything I claim to be important, I would need to relax my standard without compromising my values. It might all get done. Just not today.

I've decided to practice saying “No… for now”. Not for forever. Just for now. If my life is to going to be (by sheer necessity) off balance then I'll intentionally design it that way, on purpose. This will give me a modicum of control (I absolutely need that), and a semblance of sanity. It's not that I don't want to get it all done. It's just that it's impossible. (Oh, that!)

I'd love to know how you decide which things to put down? How do you pick which things to say “No… for now” to? And how do you decide to say, “Yes”? How do you deal with the logistics as well as the fallout? And the feelings that accompany it all?

Passion or Profit?

I recently returned from an international women’s conference where I met with one of the nation’s top marketing strategists. During our meeting I outlined my current business objectives with her. The Cliff Notes version: I am utterly devoted to helping women empower themselves; to helping them step into their own unique style of leadership.

When I signed up for the session it never occurred to me that the focus of my career was up for grabs. I just assumed that since this is my life’s purpose (and greatest passion), we would address the "how" question — not the "if."

Here’s what she said: “You can never go to women first. You’re going to have to back into the market. You can’t be a speaker for women and make the kind of money you’re talking about."

Here’s what I heard: “You must decide if you’re going to stay with your passion and stay committed to women and their issues, or if you’re going to make the money you say you want.”

Now wait a minute. For the past 18 years, I have traversed the country proselytizing the virtues of living on purpose, of using every gift and talent, of being passionate, of following one’s heart in a career. I preach that if you do what you love, etc. etc. Did this mean that everything I’d taught all those years has been pure bull?
As I tried to digest her advice, I began to realize that at this point in my life, I can’t separate my "self" from my business because the latter was born out of the former. Now I was being told I’d need to default to some cultural norm if I wanted profit commensurate with my passion?

The meeting ended. My rant began. I paced and panted like some frustrated animal caged in by the very things that made my life so worth living. I railed about the injustice of it all because, in truth, there were more than a few things this woman was right about: Women do not get paid as much as men. Women listen to men and men listen to men before either listen to women. And I know from too much personal experience that it is often assumed that I will accept lower wages just because I’m a woman (or is it because I’m not a man?).

By the time I returned home, I’d received three calls asking me to speak. All of them were to women’s groups. None of them offered monetary compensation. Was this some kind of message reinforcing this expert’s advice? Or was it a challenge for me to stand up for what I say I believe in?

Then I remembered two things: There is an AND to every leadership conversation. That AND is in bold when it relates to women. Yes, it is true that we earn 76 cents on the dollar. AND what is ALSO true is that just because that’s the way it is, doesn’t mean that’s the way it will be. Just because what I want to do hasn’t been done before doesn’t mean it won’t ever be.

I also remembered who I am. While she may have been the market expert, I’m the expert on me. This wouldn’t be the first time that some professional had held opinion contrary to mine. It won’t be the last.

Passion or profit? I won’t have to make that choice, unless I think I have to. I’ll keep you posted. I’ll follow my path knowing I have a choice. I’ll also let you know (when I find out) if purpose can truly birth profit or if some market trend will determine my destiny.

TAG- You're It!

Recess was my best subject in school. I’d wait all morning for the shrill of the bell that signaled permission to tear out onto the blacktop and search for that day’s best friend. When we tired of jump rope, monkey bars and really bad jokes, we’d inevitably end up playing our all time favorite—TAG.

Reflecting back I now realize that it was one of the first laboratories for my relationships. It was on the playfield that I learned what I’d need for future networking in my business, how to blow off some of the steam that comes with stress, and it is also where I fine-tuned the rules for playing well with other adults.

All those fond memories came rushing back at me when I read in USA Today www.usatoday.com this week that all across the country schools are now banning the game of Tag (and touch football, soccer and dodge ball). Apparently the games upon which I’d been raised are now considered too dangerous for our children. Tag “progresses easily into slapping and hitting and pushing instead of just touching” I learned. Hhmmm. For eons children have been playing contact sports and yes, unfortunately, a scant few even end up injured with broken arms, bruises and dislocated body parts. What a minor price to pay given the rewards these games reap! And while I may not ever want to see my child injured, I’d be more than a little reluctant to take “You’re It!” out of their vocabulary.

I began to think about the message we’re sending our children (and ourselves) by
insulating them; by teaching them that everything can hurt them and by fighting for their limitations. If we don’t teach them early on, then how will they learn to set decent and safe boundaries for themselves? or to negotiate a heated argument? or to physically restrain themselves at the height of the anger and frustration that can accompany competition? In a “Theory of Living” class perhaps?

Every day I work with highly successful, competent and socially aware adults who are, frankly, scared to death to try something, anything, new or to take any risks or to breach their self-made boundaries. They’ve learned somewhere along the way that life is scary, that security is worth its weight and that most chances aren’t worth taking.

Somewhere in mid-life they become aware that they are sad, depressed, angry and fearful. They come to me to undo that damage when they realize that while their lives are safe and secure and neat and predictable, they are bored beyond reason, void of passion and they’re dying their lives instead of living them.

I, for one have surrounded myself with very cool people who have chosen failure over regret—folks who have carefully weighed the scales on some new adventure or event and have concluded that life lived out loud, life in full bloom, beats the heck out of safety any day.

All You Leave is Your Impact

“All you leave is your impact.” That was the thought that lifted me out of a pool of tears and snot yesterday afternoon as I left the hospital having said goodbye to my dear client and friend, Elaine Childs Gowell, www.goodgriefrituals.com. She’d just suffered a massive stroke and I knew it would be the very last time I’d see her alive, If you could call a coma ‘living’.

Had it been anyone else, I would have used the words ‘final farewell’ but I knew that there was nothing final about anything Elaine had ever done. Her loving kindness, empathic spirit, good sense and deep compassion would stay with me until the moment it was me lying in some bed somewhere with any of my unused potential puddled about me.

Elaine is a psychiatric nurse practitioner who wrote several books (grief issues for adults), has traveled the world teaching (healing and shamanism) and has a bunch of initials trailing her name. Watching her lying there with her life force replaced by a morphine drip, I realized that more than the books and articles she wrote or the seminars and speeches she gave, what she’d really leave behind was her passion for people and the impact that had. That was all and it was plenty.

When it’s our time, few will remember what we did or how we did it. What will stay with them is how they felt when they were with us and maybe what they felt when they thought about us. The indelible print is how someone or something made us feel about ourselves—what emotional taste an experience left in our mouths. Somehow the details that caused the dread or delirium fade to the background and all that is left how it impacted us in that moment, and how it carries forth to this day.

I don’t remember what Mrs. Claire Tornay taught me in fourth grade, but I do remember that she went to the wall in her belief in me—that she was the first person ever to tell me I was really smart and that I could do anything I set my mind to—and the doors opened by those feelings she stirred.

I’d suggest that maybe that’s what all this talk about passion is really all about. We want the feeling. We need the feeling. And nowadays many of us are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure it counts because we know, deep in our souls, that when it’s all over all you leave is your impact.